The Psychology Behind Natalia Chin Version:2012

I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking lately. I’ve been trying to analyze my life, take stock of it. I want to see where I am, where I can improve, see how I’ve grown. I’m a little short on alone time, but whenever I get a minute to be still and quiet I reflect. At the end of this year I am going to take the second biggest leap of faith I ever have (second to becoming a mother) and I’ve decided that I want to be the best, most clear version of myself by then. I want to close some chapters and be ready for all that is to come. I’m not a New Year Resolution kind of person, that’s not at all what this is. I just want to be renewed, to rid myself of all the skeletons in my closet.
As human beings we are a constant work in progress, always learning, always changing. I am no exception to that rule and that is probably my favorite thing about life. Nothing is permanent, every moment is fleeting, every day is a opportunity to begin again. In the midst of getting through all the hum drum daily routines we don’t stop to see how lucky we are to have this life as silly and cliche as that may sound. It’s our nature to hold onto things that have hurt us, but these things only eat away at us, so what does that accomplish?

I can so easily spend an entire day complaining and whining about this or that or the other thing and what a waste that is!!
I can sit here and tell you five million things that are going wrong right now, a million things I want to change about myself and my place in life, but what will that do for me? What I should be focusing on is what I can do about it. How can I solve my problems? How can I learn to accept certain things? How can I move on? I am a very introspective person; I wholeheartedly try to do the right thing no matter what that means. Doing the right thing ISN’T easy, doing the wrong thing is very easy. So what is my plan?…

Step One: Reflection
If I take a look back on my life, on the years that I’ve made my biggest decisions, mistakes, and achievements so many different feelings rise. Surprise, happiness, gratitude, excitement, love, betrayal, disappointment, elation, confusion, satisfaction, misery. The past 5 years have been the most important years yet. It has been a time of learning, of immeasurable pain, of disappointment, of the greatest love and happiness, and of growth as a person. At the beginning of it I was just a young girl ready to take on the world head on, thinking I knew everything there was to know. Now, I am a woman, a mother, a significant other trying to learn everyday what I thought I knew then. If I could go back I’d smack that silly little 18 year old girl. I don’t even know that version of myself anymore, that naive, self assured, innocent, blind kid. As life happens you realize that nothing you thought you knew you really did, you see that you have to brace yourself and be prepared for the unknown, and to keep a constantly open mind. I’ve done things and let things happen to me that the past me would have never, ever thought would be possible. I’ve made huge mistakes and giant accomplishments. I’ve been in the pits of despair, had the lowest of lows I’ve ever experienced and have had the purest, most genuine types of joy. After taking the time to summarize this handful of years I have to accept it and make a plan. I have had to struggle to overcome certain things, things that have changed me at my core. I’ve had to see the error in my ways. I have to appreciate and cherish the outstanding monumental things I’ve experienced within this time frame. There are so many things  I wish I could go back and change, moments I want to erase, people I want to erase, situations I want to make amends with. Now how do I come out on the other side a better person?

Step Two: Acceptance/ Solutions                                                                                                                                                         Nothing can be undone once it is done. I can’t take anything back or eradicate any situation. Owning my mistakes and actions is the only way to move forward. I want to move forward. It is in my nature to be an over thinker. When something bad happens or people do bad things to me I tend to harp on it, it’s hard for me to let things go initially. I always say I want to forgive people because I know it’s the best thing to do, the right thing for myself. Forgiveness is really an act of selfishness if you think about it because it relieves you of all the hurt and anger you have built up, it sets you free. That is easier said than done.  I have been involved in things that have hurt me beyond belief, just as any other person who’s lived life. Most of the time people don’t ever see that it takes two to tango, that you always have a part in your dealings with others. Some people can’t be other than what they are, you can’t control other people’s feelings or behaviors, you can only control yourself. If you can’t accept others shortcomings how can you expect them to do so for you? I’ve had bad reactions, I’ve acted impulsively, strictly off of my emotions and that hasn’t always served me so well. I haven’t defended myself when I should have and I’ve been treated unfairly. On occasion I’ve acted foolishly and done things that I shouldn’t have. But at the same time I wouldn’t be the person I am today if it weren’t for all my experiences, good or bad. I have done great things, I have been patient when people haven’t always deserved it, I’ve treated people in general well, I was raised to respect people and have manners, and I am kind, thoughtful and generous. Hopefully these things can overshadow the mistakes I’ve made and the wrong I’ve done to myself and others. As long as you strive to be good more than not I think it’s okay. If we don’t forgive people we will find that one day we will be all alone because people will always find a way to let you down, to make you doubt them, to hurt you no matter how much they love you. We are fallible creatures who are run by our emotions. We tend to look out for our own best interests or what we believe to be our best interest and that isn’t always to our advantage. People have hurt me, I’ve hurt myself, bad things have happened to me, but I can’t change it or erase it, and I don’t think I would. With time comes absolution, it eases the pain of wrongdoing, all those things that I thought I’d never be able to get over, things that kept me in bed, things that made me crumble on the inside are now just fleeting bad memories, bumps in my road. “Time heals all wounds” and “This too shall pass”, these are saying for a reason…

Step Three: Moving Forward                                                                                                                                                                       Once we’ve accepted the past and all it comes with we have to move forward because the hard part is now past us. We’ve faced it and solved it or let it go. This is the time of your life and of mine. We will never have this moment back and we need to be at our best every minute that we can be. None of us have time to waste, life is short and we only get one. Once we make mistakes we need to learn from them and use them as a guide. Moving on is usually the most impossible part because people never tend to accept things and sometimes think that certain things will just disappear if we ignore them for long enough. I have come out on the other side of these handful of years as a stronger, wiser, less judgmental, more knowledgeable and open minded person. I came out an adult, a permanent student of life. I don’t only live for myself. I live for my son, for my family. I have dreams, goals, places I want to see, things I want to do, experiences I crave. I’m grateful for every chance I get to grow and to meet new people.

Who cares who I was what seems like a hundred years ago? That little girl I’ve left behind? I miss her naivete and her eagerness to sprout her wings. I miss the innocent idea of life and fresh beginning, the feeling of new, first love, and my untainted way of being, but I have gained so much since. Life is such a wondrous thing that should be celebrated. This is our chance, so let’s take it! Laugh, cry, play, dance, sing in the shower, hit snooze on your alarm once in awhile, eat dessert before dinner, go on a ridiculous vacation, hug somebody, just breathe…Everything falls into place somehow. Everything in life is a surprise, so sit back and enjoy the ride…

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